The Seven Keys of Ventoozlar

Alright. It’s time.

Time to talk about what Final Fantasy XIII does wrong.

First off: I finished the game, I like the game. I might even love it given some time and some distance. It’s certainly better than XII, although it shares some of that game’s fondness for needless garbage junking up the overall experience.

In other words: Bullshit™

I already talked about this a bit in my prior thoughts. With the summoning and the what-not.

You see, all the Final Fantasy games have a little Bullshit™ to them. That’s a large part of why I like them, actually. When you crest the non-ironic 300 hour mark in a game, well, they have to be doing something right.

You can disagree, of course, and for a healthy dose of counterpoint might I suggest Yahtzee Crenshaw?

He’s not wrong. Not one bit.

And yet? I disagree completely with his final verdict.

You see, I play the shit out of games. I get a new game and I don’t stop playing it until it’s dead, dead, dead. This amounts to my beating games before the weekend. I beat the Totally Awesome Arkham Asylum (hitherto just: Arkham Asylum) twice in a week and a half. The second time on Hard.

I’m not extra awesome at gaming or anything. I’m not 1337 by a long shot. I just play the shit out of them. So the last several games I’ve bought, have been specks on my windscreen: Mass Effect 2? A little under a week. Bioshock 2? A couple of days.

So a game that takes 20 hours to get good? Totally welcome.

That’s not my beef.

I love the FFranchise’s penchant for putting in a bunch of mini-grindy Bullshit™ which often elevates the combat system from annoying distraction to interactive multi-layered diversion. Also a giant hole in which time is thrown. So good at this was FFVII that I coined the term: grind porn.

God I miss grinding in that game… so many delicious little crinkly bits that made every single fight worth the time.

Hm? What?

Right, sorry.

No, my beef is that FFXIII reserves it’s heady dose of hour-devouring Bullshit™ for after you’ve beaten the game already. In fact, it assures that  all your Bullshit™ is reserved for after you’ve completed the story.

Their first mistake.

What do I need to do all this Bullshit™ for? I’m done with the game.

Granted, in previous games you’re able to defeat the game by the time all the raddest stuff is opened up. But you don’t do it.

I don’t wanna beat it yet, then it’ll be over.

This is where Bullshit™ comes in handy: “Oh, man, I can’t beat the game yet, I don’t have Auto-Haste armor for everyone. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to run around in circles in the Al Bhedian desert mugging birds for 40-fucking-hours.”

Finally the whole map is opened up, and Ultimate Weapons are out there to be found. The game’s just getting started!

Unless you’ve already beaten it. Then it’s just over and now I’m running around doing stuff that feels tacked on rather than a living, breathing part of the experience.

Double-Bullshit™!

But it gets worse.

The double-Bullshit™ is extra-shitty.

It stands out as the worst excesses of X (tons of farm and grind) and XII (four hour long hunt missions) combined.

Today I rage-quit.

Just up and threw a controller with a hearty cry of “Fuckit!”

After an hour and ten minutes of fighting a Bullshit™ critter for the off chance that he drops anything letalone the fucking thing I need ten of, I was destroyed thanks to my AI-addled cohorts who let me die centimeters away from ball-shrinking victory.

My daughter learned a number of new and exciting words she can’t wait to utter in mixed company as evidence that I’m a shitty parent.

At least when I’m hunting Alcyones that only appear in the sunlit portions of the map (on Fridays, Saturdays, and Jewish holidays), my disappointment is swift. I am either fighting one or I’m not. Better luck next time.

There is no “better luck next time” an hour and ten minutes later. There is only Zuul.

This is a thing the game expects you to fight dozens of.

Are you shitting me?

On the seriously off chance that I get a thing? A thing that I can sell. So I can buy this prohibitively expensive thing, that unlocks the ability to use other rare things to upgrade an elusive item (that I need three of). In order to activate a hidden ability that makes it possible to defeat a specific fight. A specific fight which all told will not be as hard as the process it took to get to him.

Why am I doing this again?

Not even an achievement.

The only carrot is my own feelings of incompletion.

This is just for one fight. I have to fight another hundred of these fuckshits if I want to get all the best crap so I can kill more fuckshits at a mildly increased rate of success.

Hours on end of this exact type of Bullshit™.

Listen. I’ve done my time. I’ve raced chocobos with the best of them. I dodged lightning and butterflies in equal measure. I went treasure hunting, collected Zodiac medallions, hunted Brachiosaurs, killed Weapons, and completed the Via Infinito three times over.

I have a really thick skin for Bullshit™.

This is too much.

Who playtested this and said: “That’s not at all unreasonable”?

Whoever they were? My fist. Their balls.

I would rather beat the game a dozen times over then endure this nut-chafingest of Bullshit™.

Game designers — and I’m talking to you, Square — take note: Long, does not equal satisfying.

Verdict: This series needs to take a step back and remember the fine balance that made them a leading name in gaming. You know what was good? Lost Odyssey that’s what. Because Hironobu Sakaguchi still knows what makes a Fucking Great Game™. The kids have taken over the candy store. but they’ve forgotten what was so awesome about candy in the first place.

Shut up.

Your metaphor is really strained.