The Seven Keys of Ventoozlar

Sometimes a movie or TV show comes along and it just feels like a game my group would play.
For those not in the know, by group, I mean group of friends who get together on a semi-regular basis for such purposes. And by play I mean roleplay. The kind without safe words.

One such movie, a perennial favorite which I just rewatched is the totally classic Lake Placid.

If you haven’t ever watched this movie (with the exciting cover blurb: This Year’s Anaconda!) it’s almost certainly because you assumed it was a crappy B-horror movie that inexplicably got made in the late 90s instead of the mid-80s. If this describes you, you’re the wrongest wrong in wrongtown since that guy who thinks Spider-Man could never be a black guy.

Lake Placid is barely a horror movie. It has the occasional start or fake-out, but that isn’t what the movie is about. The movie is about the cast. The remarkably deep cast who bring a chemistry you have to see to believe. Which shouldn’t be a big surprise when you realize it’s written by David E. Kelley.

Yes. That David E. Kelley.

Anyway, all of that is beside the point, except to say that if you haven’t seen it, do it now. Also, point of interest, if you want to know when Betty White moved from everyone’s favorite, doddering grandmother to a woman who’s mouth is just begging to have filthy things put in it, it’s right around here.

Right, so back to the thesis: movies and TV that remind you of roleplaying games you would play or have done.

Kelley’s talent for dialogue and quirky characters goes a long way to create that around-the-table feel. The story has just a hint of the exceptional while being firmly rooted in something approaching reality. We had a good thing going playing “mortals” games within the World of Darkness for awhile, and this was released right in that era. Unexceptional people surviving exceptional circumstances – a favorite theme that I still enjoy.

Whether Lake Placid would be the story of a demented Mokole, some cryptozoological oddity, or just an abnormally large crocodile who found a steady source of food, I can see any of the above being a game we would have gladly played in our heyday.

More than that though, I can actually see the various members of my “troupe”, their play and character creation styles within the cast.

While you may not know all the players, the tropes might still sound familiar to y’all roleplayers out there.

Sheriff Hank Keough (Brendan Gleeson)

To start we have Heslin’s character.

Heslin loves to hamper his characters, so being overweight and witless are tell-tale signs. Terse and professional while still being genuinely affable. His obvious lack of experience with women and all the other quirks and tics make the Sheriff a great character to begin with – and expertly played by Brendan Gleeson besides.

Having a hang-up about sarcasm is yet another wonderful little set dressing. Not to mention the big gun and physical stats that barely get used seem all the more appropriate for the surliest, and eldest member of our merry band.

Jack Wells of Fish and Game (Bill Pullman)

Our Keith honestly never seemed to warm-up to our love of the average joe game.

Keith plays games to have superpowers and be awesome at stuff. He’s not creating black belts and secret agents per se, but he wants to be a hero who does cool shit. It’s hard to argue with that logic.
While he’s never entirely out of step, Keith usually needs to create a character, then throw most of it out and start over. On this second go he always seems to connect more soundly with the narrative. I’m not so sure what Keith’s first character would’ve been here? Perhaps a telekinetic, ex-G.I. who can talk to animals.
Regardless, his second pass is the inexplicably hot and competent outdoorsman: Jack Wells of Fish and Game.
I imagine under his appearance Keith just wrote “Bill Paxton” even though he means Bill Pullman. With less the flaws and quirks off our Sheriff he is played with no less personality or skill. Even if he’s more clearly handsome Jack Goodguy of the northern Goodguys.

Kelly Scott of the the Natural History Museum (Bridget Fonda)

This comes as a shock to no one who knows me or has playsedwith me at least once, but I’m the girl.

Not just the girl, but the girl who has the least appropriate skill-set, the nigh-allergic hatred of the setting, the furthest-out reason for being there, and the overly complicated back story that ranges from sleeping with my boss to having a grandmother who had a cabin on a lake where I used to skip stones as a girl.
Add to that the fact that Bridget Fonda’s biting snark and it stands to reason that the New York paleontologist who stands in bigoted judgment of small town folk while inventing a persecution complex is mine all mine.
Her graduated cascade of “things” and bleeding heart change of direction in the third act all smack of ways I do so enjoy complicating otherwise simple pathways.

Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt)

Ahh, Coleman, our Coleman.
Coleman is our player who comes up with concepts such as “I wanna have a five in Survival” or some extrapolated theory he read about last week made flesh. Unfortunately, these characters don’t always stand the test of time once he’s seen what having that stat does or grows bored.

Upon hearing we were playing a game about crocodilians, I imagine he looked up crocodiles, saw they were more worshipped than Jesus and thus Mythology professor Hector Cyr was born.

While having the least sense of consequence of any of the characters and good for more than a few laughs, Coleman is also good for one or two dramatic moments a game.

Hector has no less than three truly insightful turns in between being Oliver Platt starring as hilarious.

Storytelling

We mostly only had one Storyteller, and this is right in the wheel-house of Charles D. Wendig.

Secluded setting, fully realized NPCs (several at cross-purpose to the PCs), a series of red herrings and false alarms. All while making a ridiculous idea entirely plausible. I’m sure he expected we’d go the direct route but has the wherewithal to let us think outside the box when the climax came.

Not that he made it easy.

Verdict: A total classic movie which just fills my head with images of sitting around a table rolling bones and laughing at that thing Coleman just said, or teasing Keith on how he somehow designed the Luke Skywalker of Fish and Game.

How about you internets? Are there any shows or movies that remind you of your gang of lovable nerds rolling dice and acting out?

Because if you haven’t seen it already, you really really need to:

I don’t care for this manner of trailer because it gives away a buncha’ moments for free, and goes out of its way to explain the whole plot in elaborate detail.
Still… rad, right?
Verdict: Yeah. Totally rad.

I have a lot to say about the last episode of LOST. So much so, that it’s hard to winnow it down to a sensible blog post.

For the record, I loved it.

I’m stymied by people who hated it, or think they know the One True Way the show ended, considering the clear intention of the creators was to leave it open.

If you think you know how it ends, you’re right. Unfortunately other people aren’t wrong and you should stop telling them they are.

Even if ABC told people they were wrong to think everyone died in the original crash. They’re taking responsibility for footage they inserted that led people to that idea. But even that is a valid enough theory, even if it’s mostly used by people who stopped watching the show to convince themselves they didn’t miss four great seasons of television somehow.

That blog post is still forming, and may in fact never come.

However, one of my favoritest bloggers: Mightygodking addressed this this morning. While I was inspired by his glib dismissal of many, frankly, stupid questions (many of which make me wonder what show some people were watching), I wanted to take a fairer crack at it.

First, the this in question:

1.) Why did the smoke monster kill the pilot?

He was the survivors’ best means off the island, and wasn’t apparently a candidate.

2.) What did Locke see when he saw the smoke monster?

The smoke monster.

3.) What’s with the polar bear in Walt’s comic?

It’s a polar bear? In a comic book.

It’s also a red herring (sort of) as to how/why the actual polar bear that shows up does so. That polar bear (and future ones) were left over from Dharma experiments.

4.) Where’s Christian Shepherd’s body if it’s not in the casket?

I have to agree with MGK, Smokey hid it.

5.) Why did the psychic insist that Claire fly on Oceanic 815 and why did he insist that Claire had to raise him?

Because he’s psychic and he knew his ends would be seen to (Claire raising the baby) if she got on that plane. Or some such similar impulse. He’s not 100%, so sue the guy.

Alternately, some agent of Jacob’s paid him to con the girl. If you like that more.

6.) Why did the Others want Walt so bad?

Because he’s a) a child, and b) a special one.

7.) Who sent Kate the letter about her mother being treated for cancer?

I’m guessing Kate’s father who she could’ve kept in touch with through drop boxes and the like. Really not an important enough question to bother including.

8.) Why does Walt appear to warn Locke about the hatch and how does he know about it?

Similar to the Australian psychic or Miles, Walt doesn’t really get too specific with his insights. He sensed dread around the thing and was right in several ways.

Not the least of which was that his father went on to murder two people inside of it.

9.) Why does the smoke monster make mechanical sounds?

I’ll admit to thinking this would have an answer once. It doesn’t. The monster makes monster sounds.

Because foley artists often pick familiar noises and put them in new situations. That’s why they’re called artists.

10.) How does Walt apparate before Shannon?

He’s psychic!

This really shouldn’t still be confusing people. It’s all pretty well demonstrated throughout his time on the show (“Has your son ever appeared somewhere he wasn’t”), including his appearance in Season Four.

His powers were amplified by the island, if you really need some sort of “why” about Walt’s power.

11.) How does Walt communicate with Michael using the Swan computer?

He was in another station, unsupervised. It was stated an intranet was established on the island.

(MGK’s answer may be just as likely: that one of the Other’s was messing with him, but I always assumed the above).

12.) What was the deal with Kate and that horse?

It’s a magic island that shows you what you need to see when you need to see it.

If this is the first you’re realizing that, I’m sorry.

13.) Why are supplies still being dropped on the island after the purge and by who?

This one is almost an actual question, so good job on that.

The Dharma Initiative was forced off the island up to and finally with the purge. However, the Dharma Initiative still exists in part throughout the world, if piecemeal (which was the only purpose of that first ARG from what I can tell).

Based on that, pick your favorite: a) Knowing that Radzinsky and Lex Luthor were still (supposedly) on the island, food drops were still contracted and attempted in and around the area Dharma thought the island to be. b) Mikhail still ordered/organized food drops as another way to provide for the Others (less likely considering the Looking Glass’s function, but not impossible), c) the food drops were mislaid through time, and Jacob let it through in order to keep his candidates alive.

14.) What triggered the lockdown, and who on earth would design black lights to light up showing secret thingies during the lockdown?

The food drop triggered the lockdown.

Radzinsky/Clancy Brown set up the black lights in order to draw his secret map. That was actually said by the way, so congratulations on watching the show.

15.) What happened to the original Henry Gale?

He died. Duh.

Listen, lots of people were brought to the island, had adventures and died. This was an established pattern on the show. You can’t keep worrying after each one. They weren’t the candidate, that’s the takeaway there.

Apparently his name was on one of the two lists of candidates we see, so there you go.

16.) What happened to Libby in between the mental hospital and getting on the tail section of flight 815?

What MGK said: “She got better.”

Hurley got better, you seem okay with that. Why is Libby that much more of a conundrum.

17.) Who built the four-toed statue?

Ancient people who were into that kind of thing. I’d be more concerned with where they quarried the rock from.

18.) Why does only one specific bearing get you off the Island?

Unique properties as usually defined as a pocket of electromagnetism surrounding the island.

This mystery was answered by way of: what happens if you don’t follow the bearing, Desmond’s first return on the Elizabeth, people generally not being able to find the place (or at least not again), the need for the Lamp Post, the Looking Glass’s original purpose, and a dozen other nudges. Sorry they weren’t explicit enough for you, but this was answered a hundred times.

19.) What are the heiroglyphics on the Swan countdown timer about?

The Dharma Initiative were a bunch of hippie scientists who thought things like making songs into security codes was a cute thing to do. They certainly encountered other instances of hieroglyphics and there you go.

20.) Why does Tom feel the need to wear a fake beard?

To fake out the survivors. This is seriously still bugging you?

21.) Who was Libby’s previous husband who gave her a boat to give to Desmond?

Some rich dude who owned a boat. It doesn’t need to be more than that.

It can be an associate of Widmore’s if that pleases you. Pick that economist you’re still worried about. Spooky, right?

22.) Why were there skeletons in the polar bear cave?

The bears ate them. Maybe they were Christian and Yemi.

23.) Where did the toy truck come from?

A child?

24.) How did Locke and Eko escape the hatch implosion?

The island (ie. Jacob) wasn’t done with them yet.

25.) Why couldn’t Locke talk after the hatch implosion?

The island (ie. Jacob) likes to play merry buggers with people to prove points.

26.) Why did the smoke monster kill Mr. Eko and why didn’t they just do it the first time they met?

Technically, what MGK said: Eko wanted off the show (paraphrased).

For a more in-Universe answer, because Eko had been revealed to no longer be a candidate and was thus fair game.

27.) What did Mr. Eko mean when he said “you’re next” after he died?

MGK’s answer is as good as mine: “He was trying to warn Locke that Locke was a person of interest to the smoke monster and wrongly concluded that, since the monster had killed him, it would similarly wish to kill Locke.”

28.) How disgusting was it when Hurley was eating from that tub of ranch dressing?

Yeah, I guess.

29.) Why did Yemi’s body disappear?

See above answer about Christian Shepherd. When a device is used more than once, presume it’s on purpose even if that purpose isn’t evident.

Or like I said, maybe the bears moved it to their cave just to fuck with you.

30.) Why does Danny say that Jack wasn’t on the list when he was?

Because Danny wasn’t privy to the proper list? The cave wasn’t exactly a hot spot of activity.

31.) Why can’t women on the island have babies and what does that have to do with anything?

Finally, another question that isn’t just nitpicking or flat out not paying attention.

I used to think it was tied to the Tawaret statue, as she was a fertility goddess. Once it fell, boom, no more babies.

But as seen when Ethan is born, it has to have happened between 1977 and the present.

Due to the chemicals let out in the Purge? Due to the ORIGINAL (1984) incident as mentioned on the blast door map? Something to do with lingering spirits, or because Jacob and/or the man in black were all messed up about kids for awhile? I’ll admit this one isn’t answered necessarily to my satisfaction, but clues abound to reach a modest conclusion.

Lastly, if Ms. Goodspeed spent any of that time off the island, I can return to my theory that the Tawaret statue is an appeal to protect women in labor which would explain why Mother was so crazy about getting her hands on some babies.

Mostly it was a dramatic buzzer to beat.

32.) What was that Russian letter in Mikhail’s typewriter?

A letter he was writing. In Russian. It’s private. Mind your business.

Maybe it was his novel, considering it’s red-lined.

33.) Why is the supply drop menu hidden behind a game of computer chess?

See #19. The D.I. were a bunch of smarty-smart-pants hippies who thought this kind of shit was a productive use of their time.

34.) Why did Ben give Juliet that weird mark as a punishment? What was that about?

Some pseudo-religious iconography in order to mark her as punished. Y’know, like exactly what it was said to be?

35.) What’s the deal with Jack’s tattoos?

There’s an entire wasted episode dedicated to this.

You know that because it’s the same one where Juliet gets her brand. Did you just not watch the episode? No one blames you.

36.) Desmond knew a monk? How did that monk know Eloise?

Eloise spent her time off the island raising her son in a way as to avoid and/or steer him toward his fate to travel back in time where she would shoot him.

His notebook included very detailed notes which she followed to be in a series of precise locations at precise times. She also apparently ran a church in LA, as well as getting a part time job as a diamond salesperson. Somehow the monk works in there.

If I think about it for even a second, seriously: As she was tracking the would-be life of Desmond Hume she knew he would become a monk at that Abbey and acquainted herself with said Monk. Wow, that was hard.

37.) Why did Ben see his dead mother?

The Smoke Monster led Ben to the Others in order to get him to push the Dharma Initiative off the island.

Or trapped spirits similar to the way Claudia appeared to Smokey.

38.) Who decided it was time to kill the Dharmites in a purge?

Ben. Maybe Widmore.

Possibly even Jacob, but that seems furthest fetched as genocide is more a Smoke Monster thing.

39.) What happened to Ben’s childhood friend?

While MGK’s answer is funnier, I assume she died young which hardened Ben that much more (and explains his melancholy upon inspecting the dolls).

Otherwise she could’ve just left the island. Even as late as 1977. Not seeing her during that time isn’t proof she wasn’t around, considering the only children we see are Ben, and babies Ethan and Miles. Though I’ll grant you it’s odd she wouldn’t come see him when he was hurt.

40.) Why did Desmond have a false vision of Claire and Aaron leaving the island on a helicopter?

Hey, this is almost three fairly decent questions. Look at you.

Psychic powers are fallible? Desmond saw Aaron and assumed Claire was with him? Desmond lied so as to grease Charlie’s wheels (assuming rescue was to follow, not to be mean)? The future changed by another participant’s a’doings? Stop worrying, love the bomb?

41.) How does Mikhail keep coming back to life?

The island has curative properties matched with a resilient Russian spirit for a deadly combination.

Either that or Mikhail’s player was a min-maxer.

42.) Why does Walt tell Locke that he still has work to do?

Because he does?

43.) Whose eye appeared in the cabin?

Whoever was hiding in there this whole time. Someone clearly was using this place as a refuge, though it’s never made clear who.

Points for another question that actually has some heft, but it’s hardly the most bothersome mystery on Haunted, Magic Island.

44.) Where did Miles get that picture of Ben?

It was given to him by Naomi or some other agent on the boat to show him what the guy he was looking for looked like.

This isn’t even a little bit of a mystery. This is common sense.

45.) Who’s the R.G. on Naomi’s bracelet?

Her boyfriend/girlfriend/or some such shit. It was only meant to drive home that Naomi was a person and somewhere someone would care that she was dead. Not everything is a clue.

46.) Why is there a difference between the times?

See #18: pocket of electromagnetic energy. Also fairly well talked around.

47.) Who is “the economist” and why did Ben want him dead?

Someone who works for or around Widmore. Because Ben was getting revenge on Widmore for killing his daughter.

48.) Why was Ben so surprised that they could kill Alex?

MGK again: “For god’s sake, I don’t even have to make anything up here: Ben explicitly said that he had thought he knew all the rules of the Island and that it turned out that he didn’t.”

49.) If the smoke monster can’t leave the island and Christian Shepherd is the smoke monster, how did Christian appear in LA and on the freighter?

Because Jacob can leave/send messages off the island and/or Jack was simply hallucinating from sleep deprivation and pill usage.

On the freighter: I assume is within the Smoke Monster’s ability to project. And/or Michael could now see dead people as per his near death experiences. Maybe Walt got it from somewhere?

50.) How did the monster get into Jacob’s cabin?

MGK’s is funnier (and apt) but the ring of ash had been broken, then he walked in.

51.) Why ask Locke not to tell anybody that he saw Claire in the cabin?

Sorry to keep cribbing MGK’s answers, but when he’s not being glib for glibness sake, he’s dead on: “Because if Locke had told, say, Kate that he’d seen Claire, then maybe more of the candidates would have stayed on the island, which just makes the smoke monster’s job of ‘kill or remove all the candidates’ more difficult.”

52.) Why did Ghost Horace direct Locke to the cabin and tell him Jacob was waiting there?

It is possible Jacob sometimes hung out in the cabin. That’s where Jacob’s team goes first and are then directed to statue. Also there’s a ring around it to keep out the monster for a reason. Either way, if true, Jacob was gone by then.

Ether that or MGK calls it and the Smoke Monster is lying to get Locke there.

53.) Why did the Oceanic Six name Charlie, Boone and Libby as the other three survivors? What’s the logic in that?

Who cares? Seriously, that’s not a mystery.

Regardless, MGK’s answer is well thought out: “I’ll give you three guesses and the first two can’t rhyme with ‘those three people were definitively dead, as opposed to others who might escape the island and disprove the Six’s story’.”

54.) Why does Miles decide to stay on the island?

Because the hot girl was staying? Curiosity? Whyever he did, he survived the finale, so good on him.

55.) What is the deal with the frozen wheel?

You turn it and it moves the island/teleports you away.

They show you that. Is there a more specific question you’d rather be asking here?

How it works? Magic. And/or electromagneticism.

And/or electromagictism!

56.) Why does Ben insist that the Oceanic Six, as well as Locke, must return to the island?

That’s what he was told, expressly, by Eloise Hawking. You did watch this show, right?

57.) Why don’t the rules of time travel apply to Desmond?

Because he was exposed to massive amounts of Special Island Sauce. This was pretty well talked around too.

58.) Who were the people trying to kill Sayid and Hurley?

People Ben hired as he did the lawyers who harass Kate, etc. Either that or Widmore’s people, but as they weren’t trying to actually kill them, I’m assuming Ben.

59.) Ben asked his butcher friend, who was holding Locke’s body, if Gabriel and Jeffrey had checked in yet – who are any of these people?

MGK’s got a good guess that they are the people trying to “kill” (with darts, not bullets, btw) Sayid and Hurley from one question ago.

Regardless, Ben/the Others had established a network of people off the island. This isn’t the first we’ve seen it, although I admit I wish they’d come back to that in some way. Still, not a make or break mystery, but I’ll give it to you.

Hey, you’re up to four! Out of 60!

60.) What was Ben hiding when he took something out of the vent and put it in his bag?

The gun with which to shoot Penny. Or some such similar who cares?

61.) When the gang was unstuck in time, who was that shooting at them from the outrigger?

Hey good job, this one was actually unanswered too!

I assumed at the time this was Ilana and the gang from Ajira. But they weren’t shoot first/ask questions later kind of people. Especially considering they were supposed to protect some of these people.

That was never shown. Could’ve been Others from some unknown time, Rousseau’s people as MGK suggests, or a scene that never got filmed or was cut.

Regardless, again, this isn’t really a make or break question, albeit an unanswered one.

62.) Who sent Sun a gun and pictures of Jack and Ben?

Charles Widmore or one of his assigns. Duh.

63.) Who attacked Sayid at the hospital and why did he have Kate’s address?

See answers #58 and #59 and stop pretending these are separate questions just to pad your list of complaints.

64.) Why was the smoke monster at the temple?

It was under the temple and moved around the island through a series of underground tunnels. I’ll grant you that this is slightly more obscure than some of the obvious stuff on this list, but it was still pretty well demonstrated throughout the show.

At some point a body of people built the temple in honor of the powers of this island. Perhaps they built the series of tunnels separately in order to respect or give the monster his due (as evidenced by the Anubis heiroglyph above the vent). This is one of those spaces intentionally left blank by the show runners.

65.) When did the temple become like an anti-smoke monster fortress?

When they all freaked out and started pouring ash on the ground. Apparently Dogen is involved in keeping him out separate to that, but it seems fairly clear M.I.B. couldn’t move on the place until Jacob was dead as seen by how they reacted to that news.

66.) How did the producers of the hit TV show “Expose” deal with the death of their two lead actors?

Nikki was already dead on the show, that was the beginning of that very episode. Again, paying attention helps. The other three(?) girls were the lead actors.

Paolo was the Producer’s cook and in no way attached to the show. Watching LOST would have answered that for you.

67.) How did Eloise come to run the Lamp Post?

She wanted to. She had money, influence, and knowledge, a fairly significant triple threat.

68.) Who figured out that a pendulum set up that way could predict the island’s movements? Who figured that out?

I love MGK’s answer: “Daniel Faraday, back in the 1970s.” even if it had to be built before that to find the island in the first place.

Otherwise, some smart people working for Alvar Hanso was my best guess. The church as well as the faith healer’s in the outback are on similar but lesser pockets of energy as established on… that’s right, this show you’re saying never told you anything.

69.) Why did those returning to the island need to recreate the circumstances of their first arrival?

Eloise was hedging a guess or giving them all an insignificant ritual to feel as if they were part of it.

70.) Why did Jack, Kate and Hurley go from that Ajira flight to the 70s, and why didn’t Sun?

Sun wasn’t the candidate. This is also why she was trapped by the sub explosion and Jin wasn’t.

71.) How did Richard bypass the sonic death fence?

We see that he is aware of secret tunnels leading throughout the island. Also that he knows more about this place than they do.

Although MGK’s made me smile: “Because the Dharmites assumed Richard was like the smoke monster. Interestingly, Richard is not a smoke monster, and can do things like, say, ‘tinker with controls on a sonic death fence’ or ‘put up a ladder next to the sonic death fence and then go over it’.”

72.) How did Ethan go from the Dharma Initiative to a member of the Others?

The Others recruit children all the time. Seriously, you’d know that if you watched the show.

73.) What’s with all the heiroglyphics under the temple?

They were put there by hieroglyphic-writing people. Probably Egyptians. Maybe not.

74.) Why did Widmore tell Ben to kill Rousseau and the baby, and then let Ben keep the baby anyway?

He was removing foreign elements from his island (at the time he was leader). Ben called his bluff and he backed down.

This would be one in several steps Ben made to take the island over. That’s pretty well implied in that very episode.

75.) Why did Daniel leave the Island in the 70s, and why does he tell Jack that he doesn’t belong there?

He joined the Dharma Initiative in Ann Arbor to continue his rather unique research. He came back when he (wrongly) presumed you could change history with a big enough rock.

His being wrong would be the important part of that equation and this was answered within an episode of it being brought up if I remember correctly.

76.) Why does Richard think he saw everyone in the 1977 Dharma picture die?

Bomb blow up, everybody gone. Huh, they must’ve died.

77.) Who broke the circle of ash around Jacob’s cabin?

Claire. That’s why Smokey needed her.

78.) Why can Jacob leave the island, but the smoke monster can’t?

Because Jacob makes the rules.

79.) Jacob uses his last breath to say “they’re coming,” but who are they?

Jacob’s people, Ilana and Bram. The 1977 folks, including his remaining candidates? Widmore? Desmond? Any of a number of people who show up on the island after that.

80.) What’s the deal with the pool bringing people back to life?

It’s a magic island with curative properties as established every couple of episodes in every season since “Walkabout” aired.

81.) Why did it bring back Sayid with an English accent?

Shut up.

He croaks out the line, it didn’t even sound English. At worst it’s poorly delivered.

82.) What is the infection? How did Claire get infected? How did Sayid get infected? Why did Sayid need to take a poison pill when all it took to uninfect Sayid was a simple argument from Desmond?

Infection is just a word for it.

He is possessed of evil Smoke Monster-type energy that the island also houses. Making people callous and alien to those they knew.

Dogen is a pragmatist who has apparently never seen someone argued out of that state. He wants the pill taken willingly in order to follow through Jacob’s theme of choice, or to help preserve the goodness left in the soul by having them go to it willingly.

While I admit the whole thing was a little MacGuffiny, it also wasn’t all that harrowing a mystery.

83.) Why was the smoke monster surprised that Sawyer could see young Jacob?

Because he was used to being the only one who could see dead people. You want me to tell you where that was established? Rhymes with “frost”.

84.) What’s the magic lighthouse about?

One of several ancient devices used to harness the magic on the magic island.

Maybe by Egyptians. Maybe Romans. Precursors to what the Dharma Initiative did anyways. Which was well established as the cycle this island goes through.

85.) How does Dogen being alive keep the smoke monster out?

Jacob makes the rules.

86.) What happened to the flight attendant Cindy? And the kids?

They got away. Forming the first of Hurley’s Others somewhere in the woods. Happy now?

In other words: who knows, it’s not important.

87.) Why didn’t Sun tell Jin to leave so their daughter wouldn’t be an orphan?

MGK again: “Because sometimes people don’t think clearly when they are in the middle of a sinking submarine, oddly enough.”

88.) Where did Jacob and Smokie’s mother come from?

MGK: “A boat! Presumably a Roman one.”

Seriously, you should watch this show sometime. It’s pretty boss.

89.) Where did Jacob and Smokie’s other mother come from?

The same way Claudia did, only earlier.

90.) Who finished the magic wheel that combines “water and light” and when did it freeze up?

The next people who came to the island. Potentially under the guidance of Smokey. Maybe just part of that whole cycle thing I just mentioned.

91.) What is the nature of the light?

It’s the magic island’s magic. Duh.

Call it: left over Creation stuff, soul jizzum, electromagnetic energy, raw potential, whatever.

92.) Magic wine? Seriously?

The wine isn’t magical, it’s just part of the presentation. Even the words aren’t magical considering Jack doesn’t use them. It’s just a little pomp and circumstance in order to make the whole thing feel official.

93.) Why did Zoe want an electromagnetic map of the island?

That was her job? Presumably to try and triangulate the heart of the island based on known pockets of the stuff.

94.) Why did electromagnetism send Desmond into the afterlife?

MGK’s got this one handled too: “Because it nearly killed him.” That’s good enough for me.

95.) Wasn’t Sayid’s solemate Nadia?

Apparently not. I actually prefer this ending as it gives his relationship with Shannon anything other than “that blonde I banged that time”.

Plus as MGK establishes in a separate post. In summary: Sayid’s prevailing feelings for Nadia stemmed from guilt. What he felt for Shannon was more pure from that standpoint.

96.) Why weren’t Michael, Walt, Lapidus, Eko, or any of the other characters at the church?

Michael’s trapped on the island as a whisper.

Walt went on to live a life and form other, more meaningful connections.

Lapidus barely knew these assholes.

Eko wanted 5x the offered amount to appear and that’s just unreasonable. Also his soul was resolved as seen throughout his truncated storyline.

Most of the so-called “dead-ends” were merely setting the scene that what happened with our survivors has been happening since the beginning of time.

That was established in the first episode when you heard a French woman’s distress call from 16 years earlier, and continued through to the third to last episode when we see Claudia show up (pregnant) and there’s already someone there.

We the viewers have been armed with just enough information to draw our own conclusions, which may be frustrating to some of you, but is all in all preferable to them telling you how wrong you are for having a theory of your own.

Latest trailer for The Last Airbender is out.

It looks so good I’m beginning to not care that Aang never smiles.

And is white.

Along with everyone else.

Except the Indians.

Who are the bad guys.

Anyway, Appa bitches!

Also, the Blue Spirit!

And Roku’s dragon!

And Tui and La!

And the fight at the Spirit Oasis!

And Yue as a blue-eyed, white haired… well, white girl. Which is less genetically interesting.

Also some hastily tacked on 3-D! Thanks Hollywood!

Doesn’t look like Koizilla is going to make the cut, which may be wise considering how silly that could accidentally look.

I hope every fight isn’t in slow-mo, considering how much movie I want them to fit in, but it looks pretty boss so maybe it won’t be so bad.

Verdict: Looks good enough to see, and even if it blows we still have the television show.

On Crushing Disappointment:

As we pull into the last stop for LOST, I want to make sure we all have our heads on straight.

A lot of predictions are out there, including my own.

Most of us have a mental checklist of things we need to happen, stuff we want to see, or answers we desire.

Do yourself a favor: Forget all that.

All of it.

Every Easter Egg you’ve chased down the rabbit hole.

Every strained instance of the numbers adding up to other numbers.

Every star-gazing theory you’ve come up with like so many stoned High School students.

Every Alternate Reality Game you got caught up in but then couldn’t figure out so you went to another website that just collected it all for you.

All of that.

It’s all baggage and none of it will help you enjoy tonight’s LOSTperience.

They will tell you what you need to know, because it’s their story and they know it better than you.

Get comfortable with that.

They’re already up to two and a half hours (with an extra twenty minutes for the DVD release). There simply isn’t enough time to get to everything. Believe you me, as someone who earnestly wanted to know what was up with Annie, Ben’s childhood friend, some things just aren’t important enough to need their minute in the sun.

Your theory is not their theory. Their theory is based on what they know about the show whereas yours are based on what you think you know.

You don’t need answers to X, Y nor Z.

What you absolutely need to know they will tell you, and have done:

• It’s a magic island.
• Walt’s special, which means psychic.
• Kate’s plane is just a toy plane she’s all fucked up about.
• Vincent is a dog.
• Eko hated Hawai’i.
• Libby had a bad time of it and needed sustained mental care.
• Egyptians (or post-Helenic Romans) built the statue.
• The teleporting cabin… yeah, I don’t know what’s up with that (see also: Magic Island).
• The Hurley bird was a closed captioning mistake that became an inside joke.

In the end you’re just going to have to come to terms with all that.

Regardless whether they call it “light” or “electromagnetism” or “time-travel juice” or “concentrated soul jizzum”, has no bearing on the story. It’s all the same made-up thing.

I don’t know what will make that better for some of you. If someone turns to the screen and says “Oh, it’s all Hronenberg’s Third Theory of Magic Island Crap” will that help you understand Jacob better somehow?

If the Smoke Monster is unresolved ambient maleficence reacting to primordial whiteness as explored in Billy Jesusface’s treatise “Holy Shit, You’re All Smoke Monsters!” does that make it more real for you?

I hazard to guess it won’t.

That doesn’t mean they’re making it up as they go. It means this stuff isn’t hard science. And hard science, or even turgid, priapic theology wouldn’t make it better.

So tonight, do yourself a favor. Shut up, tune in, and drop out.

This show has given us some fantastic hours of television–and some less then fantastic hours.

It has exploded our brains episodically for six seasons. That’s over 120 hours of concentric WTFs. That’s fucking hard to do. Appreciate that.

It has introduced us to new ideas, philosophies, abstract physics, new books, and a bevy of cultural references.

And frankly, I’m gonna miss it when it’s gone.

Verdict: Enjoy.

LOST’s train is coming into the station, and before the end I wanted to get out some thoughts and predictions.

It’s as good as all the other nothing I’m using this blog for, which I recognize is a travesty and you can go fuck yourself along with my utter lack of direction.

Anyhows, LOST.

Now that the semi-finale has passed, the second star to the right is well in sight, and we’ve got nothing left between us and daylight.

Overall I’ve been impressed with my LOSTperience. I share none of the fandom’s frustrations or teeth gnashing. I don’t feel betrayed or otherwise misled by the narrative, and I expect to be more or less satisfied with the impending conclusion.

Can the show still disappoint me? I mean, I have to allow for that possibility, but I don’t think they have the time to screw me over at this point.

Gut-check: Is it still about a magic island? Yeah? Then we’re good.

I could say a lot about other shows betraying their themes or the folly of projecting expectations for so long that your brain is telling a different story than the show’s creators–who’s story it is to tell. But honestly, I’d rather just put my money down on how I think it will end. Immortalized for posterity.

If I’m right you can all line up for high-fives. If I’m wrong you can line up to hurl perishable goods and jeer in equal measure.

You should be caught up with the show before continuing, but I’m taking that for assumed.

Let’s get started.

**Speculative spoilers follow.**

Jack “New Jacob” Shepherd

Is going to die.

I’m surprised more people don’t seem to realize this. This show has never been straight forward about anything, and now people are assuming he’s the new Jacob just like that? Bullshit.

Oh, he’s going to die for the island in a very Jacobian way. He will die doing the right thing, saving his friends, the island, or at least Kate. Even a renowned Jack-hater such as myself is going to cry a little.

This will be one in a series of holy fuck moments that I expect to happen sooner than later. Within the first hour maybe even. Probably decapitated hence the deal with the neck wound in the flash sideways.

Which, I may as well tell you right now, will be the result of the finale. This finale, not last year’s. I got on that train fairly early in the season, and haven’t seen anything that sways me from that course.

Which is why all these deaths will be fine, and why they can kill whoever they’d like with reckless impunity—and have been since the beginning.

In summary: Jack dead, fairly early, likely decapitated, big hero, OMFG-what-now?!one!? moment.

James “Sawyer” Ford

I will not disguise that Sawyer is my favorite character on this show.

His arc has been the most rewarding—for the most part—and he’s pulled off with great big mutton-chops by Josh Holloway. Moreso this season than any other.

Let’s face it, this guy is going to Han Solo as hard as he can.

Possibly dying from it, which is fine as I stated above, although I do think he survives. Likely saving a fair amount of people—of who’s left anyways.

Just to set long odds I’ll say his actions directly save Hurley, Kate and Miles. Maybe Ben. Oh, and Claire. I keep forgetting about Claire.

He will appear to abandon all these suckers to their folly only to come back in a way that sends Darth Locke spinning into space. Yea, though he will not save the entire day. He will allow for the day to be saved just as all seems lost (remember, Jack’s already dead in my estimation).

The writers are enormous nerds and you can’t think they’re going to let this chance go by.

In the end-end however, he will wind up meeting Juliet in the flash-sideways. She’ll invite him to coffee.

Thus the circle will be complete, and one of several confirmatory nods that the flash-sideways are, in fact, Season Seven of LOST.

Kate “Freckles” Austen

Kate’s finally been worth watching again. Let’s just get a quick hurrah for that.

That said, she’s a bit of a conundrum this season. I think she’s finally confronted her own selfishness—and not through motherhood, despite anyone’s claims. She dropped Aaron the moment he became inconvenient.

No, it’s happened since then. I believe her sincerity is finally catching up to her stated intent.

I don’t think Kate was crossed off the list by accident. She’s a fly in the ointment that Smokey isn’t going to see coming. She’s still a candidate, he just doesn’t think she is. Thus an exploitable blind-spot.

Similar to Sawyer, Kate is going to have a chance to run. Only she’s not going to take it, even as Sawyer does. She’s going to try and do better—for Jack, for Claire, and even for Aaron. Which is going to lead her into the same sort of trouble she’s always getting into. Captured and endangering someone else’s better laid plans (Ben’s?).

That said, she will do just enough to ensure Claire survives, and can go back to her son. Kate will fully intend to stay the course—even facing her probable death—but through the natural conclusions of the show, the course will be altered and she’ll be let off the hook. I expect her to survive the experience but will be threatened directly and imminently.

Still, her arc will be finished, and her innocence will be provable in the world next door. Rainbows and sunshines and toy planes and all that stuff.

Maybe she’ll end up with Jack (sideways) and I suppose that’s fine. That’s a whole separate rant and one I don’t have the energy for at this stage in the game. If I go for the long shot however, I want her to end up with her childhood sweetheart and they’ll open up a shop that sells toy planes.

Hugo “Hurley” Reyes

Is the real Jacob replacement.

He’s the only person who’s always done what the Island wanted. Plus he’s living proof that Jacob’s faith in man is founded. Hurley doesn’t hate—even when given ample reason to. He doesn’t do violence or even get all that angry. He has always been willing to sacrifice himself for his friends and he is the incorruptible soul that will give Old Smokey the hardest time.

I don’t’ expect Hugo gets too many action beats, short of being able to save his friends, but I do expect him to stand up to Smokey the way fat kids are supposed to stand up to bullies.

All that said, we know—or I think we know—that the island is doomed and the flash-sideways is our conclusion. So Hurley will take up the mantle, but will zag when everyone expects he should zig. In the flash-sideways we’ve seen he is filled with great purpose, and all that will make sense as we see him step to the fore to push back the darkness.

After Jack dies in the first hour, expect his return in the second through Hurley. Which will set in motion the events that bridge both timelines. Jack will be filled with a whole new purpose in the sideways and Hurley will do the same in our original timeline. It is possible Hurley will die for his troubles, but even there, I believe he will be doing it with a knowing grin. If you strike him down he will only become more powerful.

Watch for that.

Truly, if Hurley doesn’t have a happy ending, that will be the one thing that can ruin this show for me.

Benjamin “Horrible Eyes” Linus

Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben.

Ben appears to be on the side of the demons again. Which, I can safely consider bullshit. Killing Widmore is a public service at this point. It lets him appear to be Smokey’s right hand man while surviving long enough to exploit that appearance.

In summary, Ben’s running the short con as he’s always done. Only this time it’s for the good guys. This will, of course, kill him. A fate he will go to more or less willingly. Sure, Smokey will suss him out and dispose of him, but not before Ben has set him up for a fall.

A fall he doesn’t quite take if my Spidey senses are correct. I’ve got too many other characters lined up for reversals and rock and roll moments and they can’t all be successful.

Ben will fail, but it won’t be success or failure that redeems him. Only that he tried. He will lead Smokey to his doom but will be stopped at the door. A door which will be slammed shut by others.

Also, I totally think he and Danielle are going to end up together, and that’s hot.

Miles “How Am I Still Alive” Straume

Man, I am fucking stymied by how Miles has survived this long.

Now that Hugo can hold entire conversations with the dead, what is it that Miles brings to the table other than some lovable snark (which is Sawyer’s job)?

I’ll be good and goddamned.

I have nothing. Nary a guess.

By my own predictions I assume he has a happy ending, but what would his rock and roll moment even be? I’d love to say Miles summons the whispers like an army of the damned to do battle with Smokey, but that’s not likely.

Perhaps Richard (who I do think is dead for those wondering) can impart some last minute wisdom, and Miles’ll be the one who initiates the Desmond Protocol.

Really, I see Miles as a regretable death, early enough to let us know it’s on.

It would be hot like fire if he ended up with Claire, but obviously Claire is going to end up with Charlie in the flash-sideways so none of that matters.

Otherwise I got nothing. Bravo, writers.

Desmond “Wild Card” Hume

Ah, Desmond.

Sweaty, hunky, lovelorn Desmond.

The hero of the whole damn story, and the great facilitator in both of our realities.

He will get everyone together for the Grand Gather in our sideways time. Somewhere poignant. Maybe the Light Post, or the docks, or Locke’s hospital bed.

Somewhere ripe with potential and instantly recognizable. It’s here our characters will have their final head-slapping moment of “Oh yeah, we were all on an island and dead and stuff. Good thing Ol’ Des is here.” He might have to fight Eloise Hawking, which would kind of be awesome. At the least expect her and Daniel to interact directly over this issue.

On the island, however, it’ll be up to Des to wrestle Smokey down into the light. Putting him back where he belongs, destroying the whole island, and indeed the entire timeline. Shepherding his mates sideways where everyone is alive and free to be themselves. Lessons will be learned, friendships will be renewed, coffee will be gone out for, and Des and Penny can go about making Charlie II again.

That’s one of the weirder sticking points of moving over to the flash-sideways full time. Charlie—young Charlie, Charlie Hume. In that way, Des is the only one who has anything to lose. Even if it’s just to start over and try again. Well, and the Kwons have Je Yeong, but they’re dead otherwise, so really, they’re still better off.

Regardless, Des is the proven wild card who has a different reaction to all the lights this island has to offer. Who else can go toe to toe with Smokey and have enough energy left over to move an entire island of lost souls down the other leg of the trousers of time?

This just might kill him, but I can’t honestly envision an ending that doesn’t have Penny and Desmond sailing off into the sunset, and I don’t wanna.

John “Charlie Brown” Locke/

Smokey “Old Smokey” Smokington III

Smokey is going to be the dominant force for the better portion of the finale. Killing at least half of the characters left on the show, early and often. Jack, Miles, Ben… maybe even Sawyer, Kate and Hurley.

He will be ascendant and triumphant as he works his way through the remaining pins in his way. He will score some minor defeats but still appear able to see his way clear. His goal in reach. Freedom. Sweet blessed freedom. The ability to finally see what lies “Across the Sea”.

Which is where his first and final opponent will stand in his way: John Locke.

Informed by Desmond, Hurley or through his own anesthetized state, John will be aware enough sidewise to stop Smokey from crossing over with the rest of them. Or able to project enough bother over the rainbow that Desmond can get a hold of him and wrassle his black-shirt wearing ass into the light cave.

I expect and strongly desire a chance for John himself to still be one that saves all his friends. Perhaps after the last candidate falls (Desmond not being a candidate) He won’t get to save the island, of course. He’s moved on and learned to let go, embracing life in the sideways. So he does it with minimum regret.

Smokey will be overcome and finally released into the sweet embrace of the afterlife (as well as all the other trapped souls), sinking the island and setting up our first image of the season, where a no longer decapitated Jack shakes himself awake in time to order a drink and worry over some turbulence.

Loose Ends

The last images of the show will be some beautiful Giacchino piano music over a slow motion montage of all our survivors (and I mean pretty damn near all of them) going about their new lives.

Meeting, remembering, and counting their newfound blessings.

Everybody who’s every been anybody on this show should show up. Boone, Shannon, Charlie will meet Claire, Daniel will meet Charlotte, Ana Lucia, Lapidus, the pilot, the stewardess, Frogurt, Arzt, Rose and Bernard, everybody.

We’ll all be bawling at this point, and the final LOST will pound up onto the screen leaving us all full but still feeling like we’re missing something.

I wanna cry just thinking about it.

***

Verdict: I have no insider information, obviously. This is just what I think is a logical conclusion to the show given what we’ve been given. None of this could come true and I’m still pretty likely to enjoy myself. I apologize if any of the above is on the nose, but frankly I doubt it.

Come Monday we’ll know my final score. I’ll reflect on it with a mixture of sadness and bemusement at my naiveté.

Until then, enjoy it LOST-heads. These are the last days of our conjecture.

I’m up here in the wintery northern reaches of Albany (really Clifton Park, but whatever), and so far I’m not impressed.

That’s neither here nor there.

With some time to kill, I decided I’d suck it up and go and see an early manatee of Kick-Ass.

I figured I’d squeeze in a movie, hate it enough to blog about, and have plenty of time for dinner. Maybe, Outback.

So… Kick-Ass.

Here’s the problem — or at least, “the thing” — about Kick-Ass. It’s two stories.

One, the story Mark Millar (pronounced Miller, don’t knock yourself out) says he’s telling: what if real people tried to fight real crime, in the real world.

Then the story he’s really telling. About a 12 year old girl who says things like “cunt” and “motherfucker” in between cutting people in half with a katana.

Both stories are probably fine on their own.

They don’t play well with each other. Not on the page, nor on the screen. The film is all-but literally split down the middle as if Hit-Girl herself found it in her way.

Half is about Kick-Ass, played well enough by Aaron Johnson. He’s mostly pathetic and not at all cut out for this line of work, and has a crush on a girl out of his league but he has heart of blah blah blah.

Half is about a little girl who says swear words and kills a lot of people.

Somewhere in the middle is Nick Cage.

It’s extremely poorly conceived. And I like Millar. Not everything he writes, obviously, but at least half his stuff I would recommend to a stranger.

This is none of that. This is him printing money off of a foul mouthed babe-child and a bunch of hyper-violence that doesn’t reflect the real world in any form.

It’s transparent.

And that’s what bothers me.

Every laugh this movie got was of the “oh no she didn’t!” variety. Yes she did. Of course she did. She did in the commercials even. It’s not all that shocking. It’s a desperate bid. This little guilty pleasure you get out of something that’s not even all that taboo.

“*teehee* girl’s curse.”

God, that pisses me off.

Oh, the main character being mistaken for gay got a bunch of laughs too.

And then there’s the ending.

Don’t even get me started on the ending.

Never is it more apparent that this is a tale of two pictures then the absurd juxtaposed with what could pass for realism (if you’d just leave it alone) that dominates the last ten to twenty minutes.

I almost gave a shit twice and it was squandered by some misbegotten need to make a bad situation worse.

It doesn’t even follow the book.

The book I already didn’t like!

It gives away every minor turn the book has before they come.

I understand the going opinion is that audiences are dumb and all, but I promise, they would’ve followed this shoe-string, crime drama plot just fine.

If only to see if the kid would say “tits” or something.

I may not have liked the book, but it had a couple of heel turns I think would’ve had people talking about more than what Chloe Moretz’s mother must think*.

Why would you waste that? It doesn’t help the movie at all. In fact, it takes a good deal out of it.

Jesus.

Weird decisions abound.

Nick Cage’s performance is goofy in a way that doesn’t even fit with the other two movies you’re watching. He’s invoking an Adam West-like smarm, while being a sociopath. Except, that doesn’t fit the rest of the performances or writing. It’s bolstered up by nothing other than that Nick Cage can get away with crap the rest of us can’t, I guess.

Anyway, regardless of the movie–and comic–’s considerable flaws… it was okay.

Yeah, I was entertained, whenever I wasn’t a little outraged.

It’s well acted. Even Nick Cage, if I don’t know what movie he was in.

There’s a couple good gags that don’t rely on potty-mouthed young ladies or gay jokes. The gay jokes themselves aren’t mean-spirited, even if the resolution of that plotline is retarded.

The action pieces are really great and a lot of good stuff hasn’t been used in the commercials yet, so that’s cool.

Like I said, I even caught myself caring a couple of times.

Verdict: Yeah, I mean, go see it probably. I’m a little surprised to hear myself say that.

Just do me a favor and get over the naughtiness of Hit-Girl early, so you can appreciate the performance Chloe Moretz turns in. Natalie Portman from The Professional, good. Her parts are the best parts, which makes you wonder why Millar didn’t write two different stories.

Or just call the story “Hit-Girl”.

It’s all anyone wants to see anyway.

Although did I mention the ending? The ending sucked sooooooo bad.

Okay, just the one device.

The Hit-Girl parts are fine.

You’ll know that part.

Like, with seven ohs bad.

*She was on set everyday. She thinks it’s fine.

Alright. It’s time.

Time to talk about what Final Fantasy XIII does wrong.

First off: I finished the game, I like the game. I might even love it given some time and some distance. It’s certainly better than XII, although it shares some of that game’s fondness for needless garbage junking up the overall experience.

In other words: Bullshit™

I already talked about this a bit in my prior thoughts. With the summoning and the what-not.

You see, all the Final Fantasy games have a little Bullshit™ to them. That’s a large part of why I like them, actually. When you crest the non-ironic 300 hour mark in a game, well, they have to be doing something right.

You can disagree, of course, and for a healthy dose of counterpoint might I suggest Yahtzee Crenshaw?

He’s not wrong. Not one bit.

And yet? I disagree completely with his final verdict.

You see, I play the shit out of games. I get a new game and I don’t stop playing it until it’s dead, dead, dead. This amounts to my beating games before the weekend. I beat the Totally Awesome Arkham Asylum (hitherto just: Arkham Asylum) twice in a week and a half. The second time on Hard.

I’m not extra awesome at gaming or anything. I’m not 1337 by a long shot. I just play the shit out of them. So the last several games I’ve bought, have been specks on my windscreen: Mass Effect 2? A little under a week. Bioshock 2? A couple of days.

So a game that takes 20 hours to get good? Totally welcome.

That’s not my beef.

I love the FFranchise’s penchant for putting in a bunch of mini-grindy Bullshit™ which often elevates the combat system from annoying distraction to interactive multi-layered diversion. Also a giant hole in which time is thrown. So good at this was FFVII that I coined the term: grind porn.

God I miss grinding in that game… so many delicious little crinkly bits that made every single fight worth the time.

Hm? What?

Right, sorry.

No, my beef is that FFXIII reserves it’s heady dose of hour-devouring Bullshit™ for after you’ve beaten the game already. In fact, it assures that  all your Bullshit™ is reserved for after you’ve completed the story.

Their first mistake.

What do I need to do all this Bullshit™ for? I’m done with the game.

Granted, in previous games you’re able to defeat the game by the time all the raddest stuff is opened up. But you don’t do it.

I don’t wanna beat it yet, then it’ll be over.

This is where Bullshit™ comes in handy: “Oh, man, I can’t beat the game yet, I don’t have Auto-Haste armor for everyone. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to run around in circles in the Al Bhedian desert mugging birds for 40-fucking-hours.”

Finally the whole map is opened up, and Ultimate Weapons are out there to be found. The game’s just getting started!

Unless you’ve already beaten it. Then it’s just over and now I’m running around doing stuff that feels tacked on rather than a living, breathing part of the experience.

Double-Bullshit™!

But it gets worse.

The double-Bullshit™ is extra-shitty.

It stands out as the worst excesses of X (tons of farm and grind) and XII (four hour long hunt missions) combined.

Today I rage-quit.

Just up and threw a controller with a hearty cry of “Fuckit!”

After an hour and ten minutes of fighting a Bullshit™ critter for the off chance that he drops anything letalone the fucking thing I need ten of, I was destroyed thanks to my AI-addled cohorts who let me die centimeters away from ball-shrinking victory.

My daughter learned a number of new and exciting words she can’t wait to utter in mixed company as evidence that I’m a shitty parent.

At least when I’m hunting Alcyones that only appear in the sunlit portions of the map (on Fridays, Saturdays, and Jewish holidays), my disappointment is swift. I am either fighting one or I’m not. Better luck next time.

There is no “better luck next time” an hour and ten minutes later. There is only Zuul.

This is a thing the game expects you to fight dozens of.

Are you shitting me?

On the seriously off chance that I get a thing? A thing that I can sell. So I can buy this prohibitively expensive thing, that unlocks the ability to use other rare things to upgrade an elusive item (that I need three of). In order to activate a hidden ability that makes it possible to defeat a specific fight. A specific fight which all told will not be as hard as the process it took to get to him.

Why am I doing this again?

Not even an achievement.

The only carrot is my own feelings of incompletion.

This is just for one fight. I have to fight another hundred of these fuckshits if I want to get all the best crap so I can kill more fuckshits at a mildly increased rate of success.

Hours on end of this exact type of Bullshit™.

Listen. I’ve done my time. I’ve raced chocobos with the best of them. I dodged lightning and butterflies in equal measure. I went treasure hunting, collected Zodiac medallions, hunted Brachiosaurs, killed Weapons, and completed the Via Infinito three times over.

I have a really thick skin for Bullshit™.

This is too much.

Who playtested this and said: “That’s not at all unreasonable”?

Whoever they were? My fist. Their balls.

I would rather beat the game a dozen times over then endure this nut-chafingest of Bullshit™.

Game designers — and I’m talking to you, Square — take note: Long, does not equal satisfying.

Verdict: This series needs to take a step back and remember the fine balance that made them a leading name in gaming. You know what was good? Lost Odyssey that’s what. Because Hironobu Sakaguchi still knows what makes a Fucking Great Game™. The kids have taken over the candy store. but they’ve forgotten what was so awesome about candy in the first place.

Shut up.

Your metaphor is really strained.

Okay, this is the most awesomest awesome to awesome this side of Awesometown.

Possibly Nerdville, depending on the post office.

Dude hacked the game his lady was playing (the totally incredible Chrono Trigger -I extra approve) in order to propose to her.

(Double click the vid to get the whole story in his words).

Special thanks to BlueInkAlchemist for the hot tip.

Got out to Ye Old Manatee today to see How To Train Your Dragon with the boy and girl.

I wasn’t terribly excited about it to be honest. For whatever reason: Dreamworks sometimes spotty history, my hard-on for all-things dragony that didn’t want to see this done poorly, a general trend of my being frustrated with movie-going? Some heady mix of all of the above, no doubt.

Between some good word of mouth, and taking any excuse to get out with the kids for the afternoon I figured it was worth a shot.

Holy sweet dragon shit am I glad I did.

This movie is incredible. Thumbs up across the board. The boy (5) loved it, the girl (2) loved it, and I probably loved it most of all (34).

My first thought coming out was that Dreamworks might finally steal the gold bald guy out from under Pixar this year. With Toy Story 3 looking to retread Lasseter’s too-well trod Brave Little Toaster* path, it could be a good year to squeak out a long-awaited, little victory.

I mean, the story isn’t going to blow your fragile mind or anything. It’s no Up or Wall-E. It’s standard Dreamworks fare, if exceptionally well done standard Dreamworks fare. Dragon comes in better than Kung-Fu Panda by a long yard, and I rather loved Panda. It’s expertly animated, solidly acted, has great beats, genuine chuckles, and some totally rad action.

Totally. Rad. Action.

The girl was antsy and ran around the aisles for large swathes of the film. We had the place to ourselves, so I indulged her. But as it crested the last act and the dragon shit starts hitting the viking fan, her ass was glued right back in her seat. Mouth agape, drinking in every awesome inch of dragon-saturated cellulose.

Note: We didn’t see it in 3-D, because seriously, fuck 3-D. But if you’re into that, and have the extra bucks it’s probably worth the price of admission.

Good movies are difficult to review. They’re good and you should go see them and what else is there to say? Bad movies you come out of with a sense of righteous outrage that the reviews practically write themselves. Here? Um, it’s totally wicked? It’s full of  sweet-ass dragons doing sweet-ass crap. I mean, why are you sitting there reading this when you could be out there watching it? You know?

I’ll give a quick shout-out to Jay Baruchel, who carries this movie on voice alone for long stretches.

Playing opposite a non-verbal contributor asks a lot of a guy’s voice. He brings a likability to the main character, Hiccup. He’s never too pathetic or whiny, he plays the line very well. He’s always good at making you want to root for him, but to be able to do it without the use of his hang dog features and “aw-shucks” hair-tussel, is worth mentioning.

After The Baruch of God, Gerard Butler and Craig Ferguson are the stand-outs (yea, though no one failed to bring the proper heat to their roles). An applaudable stable of voice actors all around, creating a memorable cast. A lot of decent vocal subtlety that can be tough to get out of the All-Star grab bags so popular in voicework these days.

Lastly, let’s just say a quick word about the dragons. I wasn’t impressed with the design and models going into the movie, and to be fair, I’m still not knocked out by them coming out. They’re all just a little too goofy. While in motion (and pushed forward by a development I totally should’ve seen coming but didn’t) they work well enough with the world around them. They didn’t stand out as bad as I feared going in.

The main drag, Toothless, however, is the obvious exception and stand-out. At turns terrifying, goofy, sweet, etc. Everything you need from your voiceless, animal stand-in character. He has no less than two of the best moments in the show, and considering he is a total figment of the movie’s imagination, that’s something.

The Verdict: I can’t wait to see it again, and I will buy this movie the minute it becomes available.

As usual, I asked the boy what his favorite part of the movie was, and he said soberly: “When that boy trained the Dragon.”

I’ll take that to mean all the parts. You should too.

*An excellent path, no doubt, I’m just a little leary of needing to go back to this well again.