The satyr, Finchback, picked berries. A Frisbee flew into his crotch. Teens emerged from the hedge, laughing, filming for Viewtoob-dot-com.
•••
Tom, HappyCo employee, hadn’t showered in days. So many web videos to watch. So many emails to read. Same as the others. Productivity, dead.
•••
The Argonauts were supposed to get the Golden Fleece. Instead, Jason updated his Friendmonger page: “Idmon smells. Golden Fleece, elusive.”
•••
The Kendra Shields album, “Shh, I’m Yours,” would drop in 24 hours. Paired with live concert on the Infi-Net. All eyes, watching. All eyes.
•••
The Bastard Sun knew he had to find the heroes. And he would. Just one more round of Scribblesquares Online, first. (Then maybe another.)
•••
Cinderella and the Three Little Pigs were trapped in a cabin. Web zombies at the door, clawing, moaning: “Join Planetfriendmonger-dot-com.”
•••
Happytron fell to disrepair. Neon flickered. Screens advertised penis enlargement, lesbian grandmothers, farm porn, diet pills, Nigerians.
•••
Everyone with email for same email with link: “Watch 50-year-old aunt chug gallon of ostrich semen!” Everybody clicked on it. Eagerly.
•••
New pages on the Infi-Net arose every second: Craigspants.com, Silentgangbang.org, dolphinyardsale.com, auctionfist.com, blogdonkey.net.
•••
Zeus got a blog. King Arthur tweeted, or twatted, or whatever it is. Little Red Riding Hood began a podcast, and the Big Bad Wolf did, too.
•••
Guitar Cat. Hang-glider Cat. Dog Cat. Giraffe Cat. Lawnmower Cat. Existential Dread Cat. God Cat. Devil Cat. Cat videos, ever and anon.
•••
Brin toweled off the valley between toned buttocks, sent Sunshower to get him a wheatgrass enema. While she was gone, he hit the elevators.
•••
OMG WTF I THINK THE INFINETS AND INFIT00BS ARE GETTING BIGGAR AND COOLER IMHO GOOGLSFT FTW. NO—FTMFW!!! SPLEE!
•••
New pages on the Infi-Net: jizztemple.com, pillowcatismymom.blorgspot.com, valkyrja-ebooks.net, pillowcatisyourmom.wyrdpress.com
•••
A million tents became a billion. A billion to a trillion. Everything sold. Everything bought. The iBay website became a bulbous gas giant.
•••
The Slug Maven of the Murkburg Mackerel Mercado sighed. Nobody was at the market. The Infi-Net had all goods cheaper, faster, newer, better.
•••
Denthead looked at the code of the Infi-Net. It was changing. Like ants fucking and multiplying over and over again. That… wasn’t normal.
•••
The Bastard Sun laughed. He never laughed. But he just got a Wordsplosion on Scribblesquares by spelling “Sesquipedalian.” Giggle! Snort!
•••
Ding. The elevator hummed downward, deep into the channels of GoogleSoft. Brin whistled, naked. He powdered his testicles. He smirked, smug.
•••
The digital queue formed at KendraShields.com The number swelled. She was the 1st true Infi-Net celebrity. Bubblegum hunger, pop desire.
•••
The pig in the sailor outfit looked to the Other Two Pigs and Little Red Riding Hood. A line of starooze dribbled from his snout. He moaned.
•••
On a distant asteroid, warehouses of sallow-faced teens sat at PCs. They hungrily farmed plats for World of Age of Groghammer Online MMO.
•••
New sites: sexwombat.org, freedickanddietpills.lovejournal.com, puddingparty.net, shadowstorage.com, duckfinder.com, blorg.TVatemybaby.net
•••
One by one, the warehoused teens were siphoned into the PCs; turned to glittery tar, sucked through USB slots. Into Groghammer they go.
•••
Jesus wrote fake reviews on Valkyrja eBooks. Zeus called Jesus out on blog. Jesus wrote emo song, posted it to Viewtoob. A million hits.
•••
On Friendmonger, God and Devil became friends, putting aside millennia of hate. As a result, both ceased to be in a barely audible *pop.*
•••
God Cat and Devil cat take their place. The old rivalry spins anew. Good and evil, now wearing plainly feline faces. Mrowl! Mrow. Purr hiss!
•••
The robots of Happytron didn’t know what to do. They surfed robot porn, using one another when they couldn’t find PCs. It was super-hot.
•••
Brin exited the elevator in a cloud of baby powder. He marched past infinite rows of sleek, black, glistening web servers. They thrummed.
•••
Ira Barksdale, Great Oracle, would’ve foreseen all of this, but he was too busy playing a Level-44 Gun-Knight on World of Age of Groghammer.
•••
Skarpo wheeled back and forth on his unicycle. The bear wept quietly. His bearpaws wouldn’t let him access the Infi-Net. Infinite sadness.
•••
New sites: pokerinthefront.com, momfinder.com, thechurchofsteve.net, stuffopedia.com, firebucket.co.jp, bobozot.deadspace.com, eggfucker.org
•••
Plants grew up out of cracks in Happytron’s surface. Plants, real plants, hadn’t seen the surface of Happytron in a 1000 years. Maybe more.
•••
A thousand skateboards, softballs, Frisbees and terriers colliding with a thousand pairs of testicles. A million. A trillion. An infinity.
•••
Goddamnit! Sub-Orbital Stan still had a better Scum Wars score than the Bastard Sun. Just one more game. Then find the Shadowstories. Yes.
•••
Brin sauntered into the cooling chamber. Before him in a glass cube was a tiny white chip no bigger than a pinky nail. It held the Infi-Net.
•••
Cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats!
•••
On Stuffopedia, the search engine thrummed to live. A rumbling of smartness. GARY awakened.
•••
One by one, the stories of the Storyverse fell addicted to the Infi-Net, or were vacuumed up by blobs and tentacles of starry black.
•••
Kendra Shields sucked in a breath, stared at herself in the mirror. The floor rumbled. “This is part of the plan,” she reminded herself.
•••
The Infi-Net grew in epileptic, exponential fits. Motes to islands to countries to continents to planets to galaxies to tiny universes.
•••
A flat plane to a thing with dimension. A thing with dimension to a complex tangle where time passes.
•••
A universe within the Storyverse. An infinity contained within a multitude. A mansion within a cottage. A boundless interminable cancer.
•••
It was time to pack things up, Brin knew. The Storyverse didn’t have long. A week, maybe more. Once Kendra Shields went live, who could say?
•••
RT cried out in the numbing void. Her body shifted. Flesh to bolts. Hands to cannons. Eyes to viewscreens. Then back again. Over and over.
•••
“It’s gone quiet,” Skarpo said. “You’re interrupting me updating my Friendmonger page,” the Bastard Sun snarled. Skarpo wheeled away.
•••
Restless armies stirred on the Plains of Groghammer of the Nation of Hammergrog in the World of Age of Groghammer Online. Dark forces.
•••
The Revolutionaries felt the walls tremble. Bad mojo. Nuba Nuba Guy was too afraid to dance. The Nigerian Prince comforted him.
•••
Trouble stirred. Peace trembled. Planet iBay would war with the World of Auctionfist. Friendmonger against Spacepage. War within a network.
•••
LC to Grebok: “We’re going to have to start walking. Through all these people’s… Friendmonger spaces. I smell trouble ahead.”
•••
Grebok to LC: “It’s like… fiefdoms. Little countries. Did I use that right? Fiefdom?”
•••
LC to Grebok: “Shit, I dunno. That’s just a, a stupid word. ‘Fiefdom.’ Fief. Chief. Grief. Reef. It’s just… absurd. Lost all meaning to me.”
•••
Grebok to LC: “You sound like Lord of the Lemmings with that rhyming.”
•••
LC to Grebok: “Huh. That’s creepy. This is all creepy.” Grebok nodded in assent.
•••
Together, they shrugged, once more on the same wavelength. For now. Peril was a Band-Aid on all wounds, if temporarily. They walked on.
•••
Sparky fished newly-rude Gunther out of the pile of crap he was rolling in. He caught up with the other two heroes. Even Sparky was worried.
•••
Lord of the Lemmings floated out there in infinispace, watching. It all went asplodey. Depth. Dimension. This place needs a god, he thinks.
•••
Gunther called them all “Jew Robots.” As if that meant anything. Then he showed them his balls. They were green. “Look at ‘em!” he yelled.
•••
New sites: twatter.com, twipper.org, twizzler.net, clitter.net, titter.co.uk, tittybox.com, twatsnotter.com, tweetpenis.xxx, applefritter.us
•••
Brin clutched the Infi-Net chip. Soon, he’d upload GoogolSoft, himself included, onto the net and say bye-bye to this place. It felt super.
•••
LC to Grebok, and Grebok to LC, in simultaneity: “I have a bad feeling about this.” They had no idea.
