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1. What is your name?
Sparky. The Wonder Weasel. What’s it to you?
2. What is your favorite color?
Red. Thick, syrupy red. Dark. Heartblood-colored. Get me, chief?
3. What is your favorite time of the year?
Spring break! Man, girl weasels are just giving it away at Spring break.
4. What is your favorite animal?
You think I’m gonna answer weasels don’t you? Jackass. None of these pink-skinned assholes said humans did they? That’s what I thought. … Well, come to think on it, it’s probably a tie. Between girl weasels and dead humans. But ermine chicks are pretty hot too.
5. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Stock car racing. No, really. I never feel more superior to humans than while watching them crash into each other at 200 miles per hour on purpose.
6. What is your favorite smell?
This perfume called CKNY. Shut up! They tested it on my mother a lot.
7. Do you like your handwriting?
Like, writing rude things on walls with the severed hands of quiz-writing ape-stains? You bet.
8. First thing you wash in the shower?
Tongue bath you mean. Start at the feet, hover around my goody sack for a good while, and eventually get around to the rest. That do it for you, perv?
9. Do you plan outfits?
Fucking seriously? Yeah, I’m a real clothes horse. Man, there’s nothing I like more than indulging my ape-borne body shame by throwing replacement fur over my fur. Nothing is more civilized than evolving to the point where the weather can kill me on a cool night, I tell you what.
10. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Hominid-centric piece of shit quiz. Did you know 95% of the Storyverse isn’t human? Yeah, put that in your crack pipe and smoke it, pinky.
11. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?
The edges of my vision now that you point it out.
12. What’s the last dream you remember having?
It was of murder. So was the one before that. Good bet it’ll be murder again tonight.
13. What are you craving right now?
Meat. Fresh. Right off the bone.
14. Do you like your hair?
Do you like your skin?
15. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
Is this the kind of stuff humans talk about when I’m not around? “Hey Bob, I saw something really sparkly today.”, “Cor! …Also-Bob… two, how sparkly was it?” What are you, magpies?
16. How many planets have you visited?
Lots.
17. Do you use chapstick?
No, turns out I evolved to fit into my native environments. It’s this thing everything else but humans do. You should check it out.
18. Can you use chopsticks?
Can you use a stick to get ants out of their hole? I used to know this chimp, Cripples. Why don’t you two have a race? You’ll get along famously.
19. Do you own a gun?
All right. All right. Point taken. Humans have invented some cool stuff.
20. Do you have any tattoos?
Yeah. Sure I do. It’s right here under my fur. Come closer and I’ll show you. Much closer. Like, striking distance, closer.
21. Do looks matter?
Not as much as smell.
22. Do you like sushi?
I eat a lot of things raw.
23. What was the most recent thing you bought?
A bottle of CKNY…. Shut up, I said.
24. Have you ever crawled through a window?
I’m natures assassin, bitch. I crawl through all kinds of shit.
25. Are you emotional?
Rage and indifference. Those are my hats to wear.
26. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Rage and indifference. Did I not just answer this question?
27. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Fuck friends. I have mutually beneficial relationships with these Shadowassholes, but let’s not go getting presumptuous. A weasel needs to have boundaries.
28. Did you meet anybody new today?
… you know? There was that cat in the pillow case. I… yeah, I don’t know. She was…. Nothing. No. Nobody.
29. Last time you cried?
When my mother died. I cried havoc, and let slip some shit.
30. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I’m gonna go ahead and let you guess my answer.
31. The last person you held hands with?
Fuck. What? Oh, this is a callback to the handwriting question is it? I think it was Doctor Sturgeon. I bit off his hand at the wrist and wrote a warning to my enemies in his arterial spray.
32. Ever been in love?
Every Spring break.
33. Do you like yourself?
I don’t like anybody else, so I must be storing it up for someone. Am I right?
34. Do you like your life right now?
Yeah. Sure. Existential dread is for pink-skinned vaginas, like Grimshit son of Douchebag and Fuckles over there.
1. What is your name?
Chuckles. Lord Chuckles.
2. What is your favorite color?
Red… no, gold. No, maybe red. Is gold taken? How about gold on red? Is that an option?
3. What is your favorite time of the year?
Ogre-killing season.
4. What is your favorite animal?
These scrappy little fire drakes outside the Swamps of Sadness.
5. What is your favorite sport to watch?
My blade running through your head. That’s fine sport.
6. What is your favorite smell?
Lady-scent.
7. Do you like your handwriting?
It has been described as an act of violence against the written word. I like violence.
8. First thing you wash in the shower?
My fine-ass beard. This thing doesn’t preen itself, you understand.
9. Do you plan outfits?
I don’t understand the question? I’ve been wearing the same suit of armor since I was 19. I don’t really consider that a plan.
10. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I guess if I ever see her again.
11. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?
My handsome frock here.
12. What’s the last dream you remember having?
Dreams? Who cares? I think there was a man-eating gourd and a handful of soapy maidens.
13. What are you craving right now?
To be done with this.
14. Do you like your hair?
Of course. It’s mine.
15. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
I don’t know if it even qualifies as a room. Just a big white expanse with pale blue outlines.
16. How many planets have you visited?
A couple dozen by now.
17. Do you use chapstick?
I don’t even know what that is? It sounds painful.
18. Can you use chopsticks?
Is this the same question? I have chopped sticks. Does that help you?
19. Do you own a gun?
That’s more Grebok’s thing. I know which end the hurt comes out, just in case.
20. Do you have any tattoos?
Listen, sometimes a man has to make choices. Within a very narrow window. While drunk.
21. Do looks matter?
This is a question only an ugly person would ask.
22. Do you like sushi?
Yeah, sure. It’s great! If you can find a girl who’s willing to do it. And a long enough leather strap.
23. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Time with a lady, if you must know.
24. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Crawling is for sissies.
25. Are you emotional?
Emotions are also for sissies.
26. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Increasingly agitated.
27. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
My who-what? Do you mean Grebok? I don’t know, he’ll probably punch some things and mope around a lot. It’s his whole schtick lately.
28. Did you meet anybody new today?
Does striking repeatedly count as meeting? No, wait, that robot ghost dick. I didn’t get to hit him.
29. Last time you cried?
I did say Lord Chuckles, right? Not Sissy-Lady Chuckles of Boo-hooville?
30. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I’m not sure I like more than 3 people, so you do the math.
31. The last person you held hands with?
What? Why would I be holding anyone’s hand? Aren’t they using it?
32. Ever been in love?
Mind your business, quiz.
33. Do you like yourself?
What? Of course! I’m pretty fantastic.
34. Do you like your life right now?
I… I…. Shut up! Stupid sissy quiz!
