Aliases: Skarpy, Skrapo, Scrappy, Skarpulon of Skarponia, The Juggler, That Bear What Pulls Stuff From His Bunghole
Planet of Origin: Calliope, the Circus World
Known Relatives: Kolichinka (Mama); Gregori a.k.a. Koko (Papa); Maximoff a.k.a. Herr Ünterbritchen (Grandpapa on Papa’s side); Svirina (Grandmama on Papa’s side); Sergei a.k.a. Jojo das Wunderbär (Granpapa on Mama’s side); Ilse (Grandmama on Mama’s side); Annavar a.k.a. Üttermintz (Eldest Brother); Elga (Eldest Sister); Peytr a.k.a Bungo (2nd Brother); Inja (2nd Sister); Gitta (Younger Sister); Jergen a.k.a. Gammy (Uncle on Father’s side); Adolfh a.k.a. Shameface (Uncle on Mother’s side); Ülrika (Aunt on Mother’s side); Svengina (Aunt on Mother’s side); Mustacheβen a.k.a. Magnificus (Great Uncle); Rütt a.k.a. Das Poof (Great Uncle); Itzhik a.k.a. Jibimini the Toehanded (1st Cousin); Uther a.k.a. Luftwiesel (1st Cousin); Ingrit (2nd Cousin); Gritchin (2nd Cousin); Thiago a.k.a. Fünterbar (3rd Cousin); Kristiff (2nd Cousin Once Removed); etc., etc., anon (shut up, there’s, like, tons of these fucking bears in those foothills)
•••
Skarpo was born an Ethnic Clown in the foothills of the Silliass Mountains on the Circus World of Calliope. Subjected to a very orthodox upbringing, it sent shockwaves through the family when Skarpo chose not to wear the pancake makeup and red nose of his clan. He didn’t want to caper and dance while they hosed blood from the rings.
No, his great love was magic. A love engendered by watching the travelling magicians that played in the town square.
His Papa and he had a tremendous argument which resulted in Skarpo leaving on one squeaking wheel. Whether he was kicked out or ran away was lost in the heat of the argument; it only mattered that he had broken his Papa’s heart.
Skarpo traveled and took odd jobs while looking for a master to apprentice with. Few were interested; they took one look at his unicycle, his tutu, his juggling prowess and wrote him off. Clowns were all well and good for buying time for the real performers to set up, but most were content to ignore them in their trailer ghettoes.
Shamed by his family and rejected by his desired profession, Skarpo questioned his place in an uncaring universe.
Until he met the legendary—if declining—magician: Zazzibrazz the Friggin’ Amazing.
Zazzibrazz was not prone to the prejudice of his peers and took a chance on Skarpo. The elder magician was impressed with how quickly the bear picked up the “Skill.” Skarpo quickly mastered the Hand-Over Technique, Edelbraun’s Trick Finger, Chase the Queen, VonHund’s Syzygy, Uberlapin’s Mirrored Doorframe, and hundreds more. Within a few short months, Zazzibrazz all-but ran out of things to teach. Clearly, the bear was gifted with the real stuff. True magic. He took Skarpo to his homestead in Wunderheim, the Mountains of Magic.
It was here that Skarpo mastered the one technique even Zazzibrazz could never reconcile: the Endless Bowels of Truvendel (or the Bottomless Bottom Technique). It had fallen so far into legend that no living magician considered it to even be possible. The technique allowed Skarpo to produce any object known to man or beast, from out of his bowels. Nothing was beyond the elasticity of Skarpo’s magic anus: literally nothing existed he couldn’t pull out of his ass. This was best exemplified by the time he pulled—fully intact—the Castle Bronzenstein from forth his nethers.
What stood as Skarpo’s greatest triumph quickly became his undoing.
Soon Skarpo was the name on the top of the bill and Zazzibrazz found resentment to be his only bedfellow. Jealousy bore its way into his master’s heart and those of the other magicians.
Skarpo woke up one day to find a small mob outside his door.
He was accused of stealing cattle, revealing trade secrets, making choice things disappear and reappear within the Magic Mayor’s daughter, and a host of other slanderous slurs. The magicians threatened to bring their arcane lore to bear against him (no pun intended… until now).
He was surrounded and once again heartbroken in rejection.
Knowing that no place was left for him in this world, Skarpo reached his paw up his ursine loaf-cutter and conjured the One Way Door of Btlomy. He only hoped to be taken somewhere he could finally belong as he shut the magical portal behind him.
He woke up in a dimension between dimensions taken up largely by a living, grinning sun.
As fate would have it, the Bastard Sun had just decided to look for an assistant. Like, seriously, just a second ago. A magical, ostracized bear that can pull whatever he wants out of his butthole wasn’t necessarily on the list of hiring musts, but it certainly couldn’t hurt.
Now Skarpo serves as Bear Friday to the Sun, including liaising between him and his Shadowstories. While Skarpo has plenty to complain about, he and the sun have struck up an enduring friendship.
Finally he has a friend and confidant.
Finally he has somewhere he belongs.
