RE: Company Policies Moving Forward
From: HappyCo. High Command
To: [AllHappyCo.]
•••
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. HappyCo. and all the ships in space!
1) We here at the Happiest Levels of HappyCo. have noticed some disappointing trends lately.
Trends such as excessive congregation in the breakrooms, unchecked giddiness, lateness of timesheets based on dubious solar calendars, and ironic comic strip clippings sullying cube-space in a morale-destroying display of barbarism.
We would like to point all employees to the HappyCo. Employee Handbook of Dreams and Eternal Sunshine. These infractions are clearly outlined on pages 14-15; 27, 34, 36; 86-87; and 113-127, respectively. Please find yourself in compliance with these policies as soon as possible or face the never-ending abyss of an unpaid leave of absence.
2) Moving away from that nasty bit of business, we’d like to trend to sunnier topics, such as recognizing the efforts of our exemplars.
Exemplars include such individuals as Peter “Happy Cakes” Harrison, who is celebrating his fifth year of excellence in the field of assisting the Assistant to the Assistant Vice President in charge of assisting Vice Presidents.
Other efforts worthy of recognition are ten year veterans: Arnold “Big Smiles” Vespewicz, Bulva “Peals of Laughter” Cyntheria, and X’glerk “Sack of Kittens” Vz3pft. Twenty years veterans: Recyclo-Boy 273 and Oliver “Doughnut Holes” Closov.
Last but not least, celebrating 2,065 years of beatific service to the company: Tyrannosaurus “Fluffy Clouds, Puppy Dogs, and Gumdrops” Pete.
Please come down to your respective cafeterias for one free cupcake as reward for your happy years of happy service.
3) *FROWN ALERT RED*
Our final order of business is a particularly dour item. We need to address the star-mammoth in the room.
The Infi-Net.
We have noticed a marked decrease in productivity and an increase in the above behavior since this new little gewgaw has been introduced by our glad-handing “competition,” GoogolSoft. We understand that their first and hopefully only attempt to step into our long-since cornered arena of information technology has a certain shine to it. The way one might expect a piece of trash might catch the light with a bit of polish. We also acknowledge that some of their videos featuring cats in various states of raucous unemploy are humorous in their own right.
However, we rush to assure you all that this flash in the pan venture will quickly go the way of the indigenous species of Happytron. Also, that usage of the Infi-Net while on company time is in violation of Employee code subsections 4.15a, 5.14b, as well as 600.39a through 989.98z as found in the newly promulgated HappyCo. Employee Handbook of Dreams and Eternal Sunshine which will be delivered to your desk, cubicle, workspace or barracks shortly.
We appreciate in advance your attention on this matter, and assure you violators will be taken to Attitude Readjustment Camp for rehabilitation and/or incineration, appropriately.
Thank you and have a HappyCo. Day!
Happily yours,
Cindy “Footy Pajamas” Mendelsenjensenfrensen
Vice Assistant to the Assistant President of Employee Affairs
Happy Resources, a subdivision of HappyBiz, a division of HappyCo., a branch of HappyCo.
Visit our website: Happydreamscancometrue dot com on the Infi-Net!
