Thank you for choosing the Infi-Net.
Now you’re ready to take a metaphorical step into the future (as brought to you by the geniuses at GoogolSoft).
The Infi-Net isn’t like your daddy’s internets. The Infi-Net has ten times the pornography and humorous cat videos of that old thing. Masturbation and chuckling at casual animal abuse not your thing? No problem, Gus, we’ve got something for everyone.
Why not start a YourSpace or Friendmonger account? Reconnect with the people you lost contact with through willful negligence; or become friends with their friends until you’re blindly accepting thousands of requests per day. Compete with relative strangers to build an empire of mild acquaintance and rub it in to anyone who will listen. Just look at this testimonial from Mindy Parker, from Accountech.
“I’m making so many friends now. I mean, we’ve never met, and I think at least one of them is a middle-aged man pretending to be a teenage girl, but it sure beats putting forth the effort of talking to strangers for reals.”
Atta’ girl, Mindy.
If pretending to be friends with people you barely know sounds okay, but you’d rather do so on the backdrop of a sprawling fantasy world, why not try Age of World of Groghammer Online? Just ask Roger here, 80th Level Worgish Cleric of Kaitain, the Dark God of Darkness.
“I used to have to go outside to go outside! Now I experience it on a monitor, as Kaitain intended.”
Roger knows what’s up. You too can pick from any of 26 fantasy races that are better than your own. Escape the chill grip of reality and create an idealized version of yourself who never gets picked on or told how fat and useless he is. Right, Roger?
“Just don’t bring any n00b bullshit to my house. I will totally pwn you with my Spear of Icing +10 versus n00bs. You want to know how to check your inventory? Suck spear, that’s how! Jerk!”
We’ll let you get back to it, son.
That all sounds fine for the youngsters and emotionally retarded. But what about you? The up and coming professional? Would you believe the Infi-Net can help streamline your business life as well? No? Why don’t we ask Pimpy over there how the Infi-Net helps him at work?
“The Infi-Net makes everything easier. I used to have to ask Zeb’n, my cube-mate, if he could hand me an extra toner. Now, I just iMail him and wait for him to read it. It sure beats this misshapen, old analog tongue of mine. That thing is starting to atrophy in my mouth as I type this.”
Pimpy knows the future is forward. And even he is behind the curve.
Lots of people don’t go to work, or school, or the gym, or anywhere anymore. Why bother when it can come to you? Let’s check in with Archlady Barium of Rotoscar XVII. She stopped going outdoors about six months back. How’s it going Archlady?
“Time was, I’d have to physically go to Hap*Mart to get everything I need. Now I just get on iBay and order everything with my pointer finger. Groceries, office supplies, scented dildos, cream for my bedsores, anything! Clickety-click. And with 50% less corporate meddling, guaranteed. Suck it, HappyCo.!”
Barium’s not the only one who’s discovered the joy of sitting at home, treating her rampant sores with salve ordered from the Infi-Net. Look who else is making the Infi-Net do all the work: General Eulford Z. Shazzlefut.
“I think back to last week, when I had to go to Tijuanapolis to watch a horse fucking a pig fucking a lady. It was like the Dark Ages. But not anymore, I just go on Pornfinder and wallow in a renaissance of smut. Matter of fact, I entered a contest, and next week, I get to be the lady!”
Whoa General, TMI. amirite?
Oh that? That’s the new language, which will replace your local lexicon any week now. It involves a lot of needless abbreviations, deliberate misspellings, and ironic grammar. It’s just the thing to feel better than your elders, or those outside your self-imposed circle. Sign up for GoogolText and before long you’ll be forgetting the most basic vocabulary of your native language.
Sitting in your own filth, not having to bother with the rest of your race sounds attractive enough, but what about entertainment, you ask? Brother, does the Infi-Net have you covered there. Let’s spot over to the popular blog warrens of LiveDiary, or WeBlog and talk to Joe Q. Everyblogger. Like LazorWulf here.
“It was taking forever for the next Space Knights movie to come out. So I just wrote my own. And it’s way better than anything those guys would’ve done anyways. Mine is full of stuff they don’t have the balls to do. Like, Rock Straylaser totally doubleteams Traya Moonlighter with Spram—the Yuffinese spice pirate—before they totally make out with each other.”
Excellent, LazorWulf. Way to take the narrative power for yourself—
“And they totally cut Re-Tar-Dar’s balls off, and stuff them in Dark Father’s mouth apparatus. Like, in the first five minutes even. And there’s a new character, LazorWulf, and he all gets sloppy seconds on Traya while Rock and Spram man do-it.”
Heh heh, okay LazorWulf, I think we get the point.
“If I ever get around to writing the ending, it’ll be boss. Well, here, I’ll just tell you: Spram and Rock are totally going to need LazorWulf to pull them out of the trouble they get into at a Burmese cathouse. He pulls them up into the Bicentennial Talon—their ship, which he totally won in a game of Nutsak—with his giant rod, while Traya and her mom all lick on his balls.”
Yeah, okay, cool, just—
“It’s a modern Rapunzel.”
You get the point. The world is your cyber-oyster, here on the Infi-Net!
Please iMail us at GoogolSoft if we can do anything to facilitate your spending endless hours right where you are.
Thank you, and have an Infi-Net day.
