Other Aliases: The Wonder Weasel (as well as several misappropriations such as the Fabulous Ferret, the Extraordinary Ermine, the Momentous Marten, etc.), Sparkington Wordsworth VonDingleberry
Planet of Origin: Science Station Alpha-Beta Soup
Known Relatives: Sprinkles (mother, deceased), Subject A42-3B (father, deceased), Subject A19-12C (grandfather, deceased), Subject A04-1A (great-grandfather, deceased)
•••
As a young mustela nivalis vulgaris, Subject C07-18B was already exceptionally gifted and strong. Tested over several generations, the growth and intelligence enhancers were having a significant effect. Sparky—so-called for his penchant for picking the wrong kibble switch—showed the most promise. He advanced in size, strength, and general bad attitude; his test scores were off the charts, and before long he was the only test subject of his class still standing.
By the time the subject was four feet long and smoking, the team felt good about moving ahead with their military strain of weasel, Codename: W.O.N.D.E.R. (Weaponized Omnivore. Nimbly Destructive. Enlarged Rodent—that weasels aren’t rodents wasn’t high on their science checklist.) It was while the project benefactor, Professor D.C. Ottgar, was off garnering buyer interest that Sparky—now over five feet tall, and having recently taken everyone’s money in a dice game—had what the staff called “a psychotic break.”
After all his years of being experimented on, tested, and tortured, what was it that made this small window of time so noteworthy? It was then that his dear sainted mother, Sprinkles—named for her history in synchronized swimming as well as her incontinence—passed away from an overdose of lipstick to the brain. His last familial tie severed with a cherry red smear, a lifetime of abuse came to bear upon Sparky all at once.
His captors had gone too far.
He would show them what he’d learned. He would show them how much he’d grown. He’d show them that he was no longer the tyke who had a nasty habit of second-guessing live currents.
He slipped out of his cage at night, injected himself with the last of the W.O.N.D.E.R. serum, and went human hunting.
To the man, they died screaming.
Afterward, he took control of the research station and piloted it off into the wild black-with-white-speckles yonder. It didn’t take long for his legend to spread. From cage to cage, department to department, laboratory station to laboratory station, the legend of Sparky, the Wonder Weasel, champion to test animals everywhere, spread like wildfire.
Truth was, he didn’t give much of a crap. He had known all along that they maced monkeys, electrocuted rabbits, and garishly mascara-ed mice. This was about his mum.
Solicited or not, he became a savior.
He took to the role slowly, though whether through any true sense of justice or just as a self-righteous excuse to kill people remained unclear. Either way, he grew tired over the years of the bleated praise and ooked affirmations of his so-called peers.
So it was a great relief when he found the slip of paper in the pocket of the lab jacket the great apes made him wear. “Redeemable for One Free Sundae, courtesy of the Cosmic Paisley Wormhole McHappy’s,” it said.
That sounded a stretch of a lot better than waiting for these half-wits to figure out the flushable toilets. Sparky told his (literal) monkey crew that he’d be right back, and took the only remaining escape pod.
Whether he was ever a champion, savior, or hero, or not. He soon found himself in the perfect position.
As a Shadowstory.
